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Monday, 06 October 2008

And I saw God cry in the reflections of my enemies...

"And all the lovers with no time for me..."

Fall Out Boy is awesome. So, I've started college. It sucks. I can't make any friends there for some fucking reason. Even when I try, I fail. Urgh!! Then... Even better. Two guys that I developed crushes on (seperate occasions) one I work with, one I have a class with. Well, the one I have a class with totally led me on making me think he liked me... Then when I asked. Nope. He doesn't. He's terrified of my kid. The other guy wasn't so bad. But still... He doesn't. Oh well. I'll just keep failing there too.
All I ever do on here is complain...

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Eh.

What is wrong with me? One minute I'm good, I'm okay. The next, I'm pissed of because my stupid friend is depressed because his parents got onto him for the first time in months. He has the greatest relationship for his parents. They give him extreme amounts of freedom, they support him in all he does, they would give up their lives just for him. And the dumbass thinks he has it bad.
He should try having a father that calls you a whore, that looks down on you for getting pregnant. A mother who tries to guilt trip you everytime you turn around for trying to be a normal teenager. He should try having to face another day when all you want to do is shoot yourself in the head. I've only put up with it because of my daughter. I have no way to support her if I'm not at home. And it fucking sucks to be dependent on someone who absolutly hates me and I didn't do anything to really deserve my own father to wish I was dead.
Things really suck. The guy that got me pregnant back in 2005, cheated on me with an ex and then left me. I can't seem to move on. I thought we were going to do this together and that everything would somehow work out. Well, that obviously didn't happen. It hurts so much still to think about it. I just wanna get over him but for some dumb reason, it's pretty much impossible. I love him... But I hate him with the deepest burning passion in my heart.
A lot of people think I'm just some stupid little girl that doesn't know much about life. And it's true. I don't. I've lived a very sheltered life and all of a sudden my parents just shoved me out in the bright, dangerous world and it's already tearing me down. My parents get mad at me if I don't bottle up all my emotions inside because it's what they do. The last time I did that, I hurt myself. And I really don't want to go back to that time in my life. I just wish I could... Be a kid again. I miss those days...

Sunday, 10 August 2008

Beginnings

Escape is essential. Everyone at some time feels as though they are drowning in a crowd of loved ones and strangers, completely unnoticed by those closest. Those are the times you are weakest and it hurts. You feel the need to run as far and fast as you can from the bright lies and the dark truths. But they still follow you everywhere. You can't escape completely but for awhile you can forget about other things or you can finally learn to wrap your mind around them, to come to terms with these haunting lies and truths. You know, the ones that hide in the back of your mind till one day they resurface and some old wound gets ripped open. You lie there and bleed and you know no one will come to make it all better. So... This is my escape. This is where my wounds will surface. I'm only 19 and I have a lot of hard truths to face.
My friends no longer help. Since graduating back in May I only talk to maybe two people regularly. And I tell them nothing. So here, alone, I'll work things out. I'll grow and learn and maybe make some new friends. I'll cry and bleed. But in the end I'll heal and I'll be stronger. This is my escape but also... This will be my transformation from child to adult. I'll face my harsh realities and I'll learn to accept. I'll learn to live without regretting and without hurting now. It'll be better. It will be better.